❤ Life's crashing down on me. ❤

Dear people, please understand that ELLA is very stress right now. Life is crashing down on me. My nenek passed away, followed by Nyai. And people ard are always giving me problems. I'm sorry. It's just too hard for me right now. To people who wants to create trouble for me, fcuk off aight ?! i dont want to bother. its ur fcukin life aight ?! i dont bother no more. MALAS ! and sayang, you've been harsh these few days. but i forgave you. haishh. its okay syg. if you dont understand, its okayy. i'm still strong though. and nenek, i love you very much. i know sometimes people have to go. you wont get to see me naik pelamin. but its okayy. i know tht you'll be there spiritually. i always feel your presence these few days. but i aain't scared. i'm just sad tht you have to go. but i guess i have to go on with life. ily nenek !

❤ E ☆ L ❤ L ☆ A ❤

❤ It's Just Life. ❤

It's been 2 days since I haven't been to school. It's been really major breakdown for me. Life's getting harder for me. Everything's breaking down into pieces.
My friends, my family and most of all, my sayang. Everyone's changing.
But I guess it's just the cons of life. And some say, disebalik ada hikmahnye. So I'm just waiting and try my very best to be patient. Sayang, whatever it is, please don't let the love fate. I'm thru with everything.
Sayang's in M'sia for 1 week. Yesterday, this morning sayang called me. He said he missed me so much. Yeahh, I missed him along time ago. We could still meet up after a week later right? It's not as if I'm gg to die right? Haha. Maybe? Joking lah !
Hope to seeing sayang soon. =)

❤ E ☆ L ❤ L ☆ A ❤

❤ What wrong have I done to you? ❤

He will never know how hurt am I right now. All I want to do now is just scream.
Just scream my heart out in his face. All guys are the same.
Smue dayus, smue tk phm pompan, smue ego ! Tk pnah nk phmkn ape perasaan pompan.
All they care is just their feelings. They nvr cared. NEVER CARED !
All tht I've done, is this what I deserve? I dont understand,
what do you want from me? what wrong have i done to you?
you know tht I don't want to hate you. But you're making me so.
because you are just not the person whom i used to love.
I just dont undesrtand. Isit so hard to appreciate me? you know yourself, im sick.
Isit wrong to spend the last moments being happy? ISIT WRONG !?
Can i like scream at your face? Isit so hard to show love?
love is not equals to sontot. Its about responsibility. Its about commitment.
Its about care. I just need your understanding. Your hug. Your kiss. Your love.
And mostly, your warmth and care. Isit hard to show? Do i deserve all this shit ?

❤ E ☆ L ❤ L ☆ A ❤

❤ Is this my god damn fate? ❤

Please, God give me strength.
Please, I'm begging not to let the same thing happen to me again.
My sayang is not my sayang anymore. Not the same person tht I love anymore.
I miss my old syg. I love my old sayang.
I HATE this person tht I'm giving my love to right now.
This person tht brings back my past into life. My awful, unforgiven past.
True, he doen't hit / beat me up. But the harsh words, the genggaman, everything.
It's tearing me apart ! I ask, who are you? he asks me bacl, who am i ?
and says I'm the one who changed. Excuse me? Ask everyone around you syg.
Sape yg berubah? I'm still myself. You were never yourself all these while.
Where is your love? You yourself know my past. And wht type of person exactly am I.
You know i tend to get emotional. Very emotonal.
Tell me, where is yourself tht used to understand and endure?
The same old Ella is always here. I have never changed. You're the one !
Now it's time for you to ask yourself, WHO ARE YOU?
I love you syg. But not this you, the old you. ='C

❤ E ☆ L ❤ L ☆ A ❤

❤ Is it wrong for me to be happy? ❤

I don't understand why is it wrong for me to be happy?
I don't understand why mother wouldn't understand.
It's been days since I met syg. All I'm asking is just for a day out with syg.
to relax and enjoy. to relieve every bit of my stress. Is it wrong?
I asked immediately after my bro asked her if he could go out. Wah !
If my abg, straight answer 'YES' . I asked politely. Very, very politely.
" Mom, can I go out too?" Dgn mrh, she said " Jgn merepek! "
So then, I said it's my holidays.
then she said, go ask your dad uh. hols bleh klua tk.
I'm like, dngar2 hols dudok uma, rot mcm babi, pagi petang siang malam TIDO jekk keje. nk keje tk kasi. whtt else cn i do? Haish.
I'm trying so hard to cherish every single moments with syg.
Since we won't have the chance to get married.
Is it wrong to be happy? Haishh.

❤ E ☆ L ❤ L ☆ A ❤

❤ Trust me, We will get married. ❤

Firstly, my hair sucks. Make-up sucks. EVERYTHING sucks!

Just came back from visiting nenek. Well, nenek was so pitiful. Kesian seh. Haishh.
Well, I guess it's time to taubat.
Don't evn know if I get my chance to experience the best day of my life.
Came across this documentary about world's gonna end in 2012.
Like OMG ! Yeahh, planet stuff stuff. Oh dear, what's wrong with this world !
This cruel , unfair world !

Sayang, evn if we couldn't be together after the world end, trust me.
if we could get married in heaven/hell, I would.
I always loved you. If I can't live up to this particular year,
we'll meet sooner or later. Let us cherish every moments we had together.
I love you syg. Muahmuah.

❤ E ☆ L ❤ L ☆ A ❤

❤ Please be strong, Nenek ! ❤

It's just the starting of the day. Yet, I'm already pissed off.

WHAT THE F**K !

Firstly, syg went to school. And again, he forgets to call me. AGAIN !
I was wide awake seh, waiting for his call. But he never called.

Secondly, I'm gg to hospital. Nenek kene warded. She collapsed. And couldnt respond. And had short breaths. And her heartbeat was slow. But her eyes were open. OMG !
God, please help my nenek. And my uncles and aunties, sialuh !
tk boleh harap siakk . smue carik my mother. Anak smue ramai tkde tanggung jawab.
Yeahh, my mom's the eldest. But wth seyhh ! Anak laki smue mane ilang?
and if we dont go visit nenek, wahh ! mulot smue sial !
nk ckp bnyk, ckp nenek daa nk mati tkde org tgk .
WTF ! in the first place, where the fcuk are they when nenek baru2 saket?
where the hell are they when nenek need them? semue kutip duit dari nenek, beh tk tau kasi alek. now nenek is dying. my beloved nenek is dying.
skg smue aru nk tgk kn nenek ? for whtt ? nk harta ? sial uh ! cb siakk prangai !
if I could, I would take nenek home and take good care of her. but we cant.
atok is living with us. and nnt cnferm side baba smue bukak mulot.
now, nenek is not the same person who I used to love most. When i was small, nenek loved me so much. she took care of me and stuff. and i loved nenek so dearly.
it hurts seeing my uncles and aunties treat nenek like nothing.
nenek gt stroke after a fall. how could she fall ? wth were they doing ?
how did they look after her? smpai boleh jatoh mcm tu ? nenek is not nyanyok okay.
nenek stress. I really pity nenek. and everytime i see her, I wanted to cry.
how could they do this to her? my beloved nenek. She's dying. All of us know she's dying. She wouldnt even have the chance to see me naik pelamin. omg, nenek dont die.
God, help her. Give her strength. Let her live a little longer. Let her be herself again. Be nenek whom I used to know. Whom I used to love.
And let her have the happiest moments before she go. Please, let her live a little longer.

❤ E ☆ L ❤ L ☆ A ❤